Ever since I was a young girl, summer camp has had a monumental impact on my life. I've been going since I was in fourth grade. I so looked forward to spending a week in Montana every year. I liked the challenge of being away from family and what was familiar. I would spend the week swimming, boating, singing, and making new friends. It was the only place I felt like I could truly be myself. The dream of those bright summer days kept me going during the long rainy winter months in western Washington. I would sing camp songs and looks at old photos when the darkness escaped the sky and crept into my heart. They reminded me of the never-ending joy and warmth I felt in Lakeside, MT.
There is magic at camp. It comes from the beauty of self expression. We grow up learning to mask our true selves. Media, social pressure, and the natural insecurities of adolescence teach us to be perfect representations of what we see on the internet. People aren't wired like that, yet we still spend all our time trying to hide insecurities at school and from the world. Camp is a place where authenticity is valued above all else. Imagine all of your role models are dressing up in ridiculous costumes, being weird and wacky, and expressing themselves however they wanted. That's the life-changing experience of summer camp. When the people you admire most can be authentic, it's not nearly as scary. I looked up to the counselors as heros, role models, and gods. They were everything that I wished I could be when I was older. They were cool and confident. I longed to be as comfortable in my own skin as they were.
Camp created so many formative experiences in my childhood. I gained and kept so many friends. They will be in my wedding one day. Camp got me through every phase of my life: the end of elementary school, awkward middle school years, and even helped with the high school drama. It is weird to think that one week a year would have that great of an impact on someone. I am living proof it does. Camp was the place where my love of the outdoors blossomed. It's where I learned to be goofy and laugh at myself. I can confidently say it shaped my future. I recently got a bachelor's degree in Recreation Management at the University of Montana. And yes, I still laugh at myself.
When I was old enough to work at my favorite place, I jumped at the opportunity. It was 2017 and the summer before my freshman year of college. Instead of having all summer to say goodbye to my friends like everyone else I knew, I graduated and immediately drove 10 hours to my destiny. I was so excited to be there. I insisted on jumping straight into work, instead of resting. Should I have slept when I got there? Absolutely! Could I have slept if I wanted to? HELL NO! I was too excited. I spent that first summer doing dishes and spending long hours in the kitchen. I also went on a few day camps around Montana. It was a grueling and challenging summer. I couldn't wait for more. I was able to spend time with all those people I looked up to for so many years. They were now my peers.We were on a level playing field and it was weird.
I was thrust into young adulthood very fast. I was the youngest staff member, at 18 years-old, and the only one who hadn't experienced college. Just days before, I had to ask my parents to go do things on weekends. Now I was hanging out with "real" college students and doing what I wanted. Being behind the scenes was so strange. I had to remind myself that I was allowed to do the same things the counselors were doing. It changed how I looked at them and myself. Everything was new and exciting, I didn't care if things were hard because it was camp and there was no place I would rather be. I had waited my entire life to do this. To be here. Damnit. I was going to have a good time. It was weird to be on the other end of the camp magic. Camp still had that sparkle, but now I was the one who created it. It was still the magical place that I knew growing up.
After the first summer ended, all I could think about was camp. I dreamt of the next year and become an official counselor. I would get my own cabin and everything. One full summer at camp was not enough. I was an addicted. And like any addict, I needed more.
The months of my freshman year flew by. I made friends and learned about myself in a new place. Before I knew it, May came. I was in a much different place emotionally than I had been last time. I had made many new friends at college and had a boyfriend at the time. He was not the most supportive of going back to camp. I knew that I was really going to miss Missoula. It had become my new home. It was a lot harder going back to camp than I thought it would be. There was the mental struggle of leaving everything that I had grown accustomed to the last 9 months. I spent several of those months getting comfortable and it felt like I was uprooting again. But it was camp. I had to go back. I kept struggling with the thought of being in charge of a cabin of girls who relied on me for everything. There were so many negative thoughts swirling through my head. My own brain was telling me I was not good enough to be in charge of people. Imagine that. The confidence that I had found the previous year was gone.
My second summer at camp was much different than my first. I dealt with true burnout for the first time in my life. I dealt with the struggle of questioning my entire world and what I thought was true. I struggled with the religion I grew up with. I had bad anxiety and depression. I did not realize how bad they were until months after the summer was over. I was not interested in the things I would normally be into. I did not want to be with my friends or get to know the new staff members. I tried to put on a good face but inside I was struggling so much. I didn't even know why. It hurt. My relationship with my boyfriend was barely holding on. My relationship with myself was on an unstable foundation. I didn't know who I was anymore. Did I even believe in my religion anymore? Did I want to work with kids? Was I good enough to be here? Am I doing a good job as a counselor? So many negative thoughts looped in my head. I was no longer able to find joy in the place that once gave it in abundance.
I spent many days crying on my hour off. I wondered why I was even doing this to myself. Everything I did was a struggle and so taxing on my physical and mental health. Unlike my first summer at camp, I couldn't wait for this one to be over. I wasn't myself. Camp was supposed to be my foundation and even that wasn't solid anymore.
After a very taxing and hard summer I decided to not go back the next summer. How could my favorite place have hurt me so bad? I needed a break from what I thought was what was making me struggle. I wanted to be back at home, in Washington, with what I knew best. I didn't realize that camp was not the thing that was hurting me. It was other things in my life. I didn't learn this until well after that summer.
When my toxic ex and I broke up (see aforementioned boyfriend who didn't want me to go to camp), I immediately decided to go back. I wanted to go to camp and have a second chance. I wanted to go back and redeem myself. I wanted to have an amazing experience. I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth something. I wanted to show the world that I could do anything. I couldn't leave that place without having a positive experience at the end. I interviewed and got the job. All was set; I was going back. Then COVID happened. I was devastated. I knew it was not my time to go back now. I wanted to go back to camp more than anything, but not like this. I sadly declined the job offer. I now had another summer off. I didn't have a job, or anything to do, so I found myself instead. I spent countless hours with my best friend, lived at my parents house in the middle of the pandemic with my cat, and healed from many emotional wounds.
I decided to go back this year. I applied knowing this might be my last chance to go back. I was graduating college. I was going to be in the real world soon. I was hesitant to go back. It was scary to think that I could have a similar experience as the last time. I also knew I wasn't running away from life to get to camp this time. I was in two healthy relationships: one with my new boyfriend and one with myself. The difference in my support system this time was outstanding. The last boyfriend didn't really want me to go, but didn't have a voice in my decision. The new one encouraged me to follow my dreams and go. That push was what I needed to take the plunge and take the job.
I was nervous and excited to go back. This summer completely changed the way I looked at camp... again. I was excited to be back. I was more myself this summer than any other summers I had spent at camp. I made friends. I set good boundaries. I asked for what I wanted. I tried to be the best version of myself. This didn't mean that I didn't struggle. Far from it. It meant that the joy that I felt was better that any other time I spent in that place. I saw camp in a new light. I saw it in a way that made me and those around me grow.
Although all of my summers at camp were vastly different, I needed them all to be who I am today: A strong, caring, fiercely independent women who loves the outdoors and her people. I learned strength and compassion at camp. I think the experience makes everyone a better person, because you learn authenticity. Camp can truly change who you are. You will never know how it will, but it always does.